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I create beautiful tragedies

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Life and death of an artist

Posted by keepwalking - July 10th, 2018

Hello everyone,

Hope you are doing well. I thought I may express some words with you

During the last years of my life I experienced a roller coaster of events that changed my life for ever, some of them good, but most of them bad. The last ones have to to do with extreme anxiety peaks, similar to epillepsy episodes, but with  a different type of trigger in my mind, making me unable to walk, speak, or even stand up, causing vomiting, nausea and respiratory insufficiency (eventually making me faint), The impact of such events were so hard on me that they deteriorated my health to the point of being hevily medicated for indefinite time. However that doesnt mean that my symptoms dissappeared. they are just barely controlled. and this takes me to the point of this post.

Due to all previously mentioned, Ive been unable to make art again.

I tried several times to recover the rythm of production I used to have back when I started in 2012 but without success. 

Every time I tried, my mind collapsed and all symptoms were there again to strike back again and again.

Being unable to recover such rythm I ended up loosing comunication with all my clients and had to abandon every project I was involved in. Which destroyed my reputation as a reliable artist and project partner, not to mention friends and co-workers.

Not having any other choice I abandoned the slightest possibility of making any form of art again and focused 100% on my full time job which is web development, so I am now working as a full time programer in a company.

I had to abandon my dream of working as an artist. It was hard, and it still is.

But I have not givven up.

Despite the odds you will still see me upload 1 or 2 works per year. Like a little flame that refuses to die from a storm.

I know its not much.

I know its dissapointing.

But its all I can do.

And for that I appologize and thank to all my old and new followers. I know you would have expected more from me, but these hard times are beating me up. Still my wonderfull girlfriend keeps up with me and supports me with so much love. It is one of the things that helps me move forward.

So again, thanks, and sorry.



Comments (17)

Best of luck to you in your endeavors. I don't know what advice to say since anxiety has never been much of an issue for me, but I hope you get all the help you need for your mental health.

Thanks man. appreciated.

Read Scott Adams (dilbert guy)' How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big

He lost his voice for years and self-isolated but found a solution to overcome

I really cant begin to unpack it here, but it might help you get back on track.

PPS. Get better. You can!

Thanks budy. Much appreciated

Thanks for the update and sorry to hear about how things have been going with anxiety / illness / art.

You're one of those artists where every once in a while I manually type in your URL just to be sure I hadn't missed something from you. Even just seeing a blog post from you is cool because it lets me know you're still out there. I hope you have more luck making art without the related stress and pressure but it's nice to see you around regardless of whether you have art to share!

In terms of web dev, are you doing front end html / javascript sort of stuff or back-end development?

Thanks Tom. I am always more than happy to see you commenting. Brings me joy.
As for your question: I do both but my job is focused on Front End JS+CSS

I'm sorry to hear that, but it's good that you're not giving up. I'm sure everyone who's sensible won't be mad at you or disappointed, because it's really not your fault. I hope you can get better and continue your dream.

thanks my friend

The art you have already made has left its indelible mark upon the world, and will continue to live on, even if you can never make more. It sounds like you're doing the best thing that you can do right now, and that means tending to your own needs, body and soul. Keep on dreaming, but always remember that dreams can either change or fade completely, often to be replaced by something even better. Of course, like inspiration, it can never be forced.

Life is almost never free of stress, and things like looming deadlines and massive workloads can easily cause crippling anxiety. For now, just do what you have to do, and hopefully you can rest easier in the knowledge that there are people who care and will always support your decisions.


wise words. Thanks.

Take care of yourself dude. And maybe one of these days, rise from the ashes and conquer ill health with a wrench.

I'll hope so. thanks a bunch

I'm glad to hear that you have a good support system and job, as far as art goes you've already left an amazing mark and I'll always look forward to whatever you have to share here.

thanks a lot.

I feel anything I can say as a random dude on the Internet would just come off as useless platitudes. So I'll just say I'm here feeling for you, because shared pain is lessened pain, and that's at least something. : )

thank you. any words of positivity are priceless to me. yours are not the exeption

concentrate on just getting better.. work on feeling healthy and secure.. I hit a huge depression in 2013-14.. It was to the point that I swore I could only see in black and white... I actually started to slowly starve myself,, and that gave me a bit of relief. I ended up taking a regular job for thae past 4 plus years.. and the stability of it, and the sheer amount of physical,.. labor for me, snapped me out of my funk.. (try exercising hard, it may help)... and while Ive been dipping my toes in art here and there, the idea of going at it full time, sends shivers up my spine.,.
So Id humbly suggest, dont ever stop the art, but definitely only do it when it feels good to you.. and dont worry about keeping others happy.. we all just want you to be well first and foremost.

yes I am focusing on recovering my health. But my mind is in such state of disorder that it makes me feel lost and lose sight on my objective. You too are an amazing artist and I feel really sorry for what you went through. I know what it feels and hurts, so believe me when I say that I really hope you get better over time. thank you so much for your words my dear friend. it means a lot.

You've created amazing pieces of art through the years, you've always been one of my favorite artist on this site and will always be. I wondered what had happened with you and im happy to see you're still around and not giving up. Never abandon what makes you happy!
Much love from a brazilian neighbor :D

my scincere thanks to you my friend. Its always nice to hear from our neighbour countries.

Since you say you have a full time job, does that mean it's something about creating/thinking about new art that gives you horrible anxiety? Anyways, your an awesome artist, and I've wondered why you haven't posted anything in a while. It's just cool to know your still around, I've been following your art for a couple years now and I'll continue doing so.

My mind can no longer handle the weight of 2 jobs at the same time. that means art as a job is no longer possible. However, art for myself still is. thats why I'll still keep making it.

thanks for your words. means a lot

I've been going down memory lane with The Interviewer lately. Thought I would check in on some guests from the past. I'm sorry to hear what's going on. I'm glad you're still making art though. I can understand that you can't do both and you need to concentrate on you more than anything else. There are still many others to teach through Newgrounds though so I hope you will be a constant in the Art Forum.

I will try to do my best. you can count on that. For me Newgrounds has always been a place to teach and learn.

Hey my friend, I have always been a fan of your work. Passions can always be rekindled. As you say, it is like a persisting spark. You only need to wait for better days, and that spark can be nurtured again. No need to apologies for the circumstances of your life, these are things we will all face in our lives in one way or another :)

I'm a long time (it's 12 years already, huh) Newgrounds lurker and over years of coming here and checking things from time to time, I was always happy to see something new from you when I was visiting your profile or seeing you in my feed - I follow you for... at least 6 years now? After all this time and silent following, reading about your condition saddens me deeply as I both greatly enjoy your art and, to some extend, can relate to your problems. I wish I could simply wish you luck and issues would be quickly resolved but, sadly, things are often far more complicated and cannot be fixed easily.

I read other comments and your answers, I see that you can't handle stress of doing art as a job, which is hard for you, I understand. I can only tell you to take advices from others, especially from MindChamber, seriously - if you can, focus on your physical and mental health, try improving your physique, as it can improve general health greatly and... try doing art when you feel like it. Your current job should be rather stable and profitable enough, I hope, and art can work as a way to went out. Maybe, with passing time, you will be able to use art as some kind of therapy - doing it simply for fun and sense of accomplishment, fulfilment may be best for you.

Or so I hope.

I wish you all the best and hope that, with time, you will be able to find peace and a way to deal with issues that right now may feel overwhelming. I would love to read under your next post here that things are getting better, even if it's just a little step but in the right direction.

Cheers and best wishes from a long time lurking fan

Very heart-warming words. My sincere thanks for all your support

Good luck to you!

thank you!

You are and have been one of my favorite artists of all time, I only saw this post because my girlfriend asked me who my favorite artist was. I don't know the circumstances or details of your illness and I'm in no place to ask, never let that ember snuff out. I too struggled with both anxiety and depression and I even have panic attacks on a weekly basis so I feel for you. Live on, fight on, burn on!

It's not much and I'm sure you've been offered this dozens of times before, if you ever need to talk, drop a private message! c:

Thanks a lot my friend :)

Damn man, I've only very recently discovered your stuff and your landscapes are already becoming a favourite of mine. Best wishes to those obstacles you're currently facing, hope things get a lot better for you.